Divorcing Parents Working Together

Divorced parents of a child or those parents who are going through a divorce are generally unaware, or at least one of them, of their child’s performance in the class room. In that case, talking to the teacher of the child will enable the uninformed parent to have some of knowledge about the child’s presentation in the school.

We all know that a parent teacher meeting is a great way to know about the child’s performance in the school. It is this conference in which the teacher can tell the parents that how their child is doing in the school and if the child requires tuition or other kind of help at home. In the stressing phase of a divorce, most parents tend to ignore or neglect their child’s studies, or may turn over their responsibilities to the other parent. But a good thing to do is to keep aside the conflict with your partner, and remain involved with the child’s studies.

Inform the teacher as soon as you decide to divorce your partner, because splitting of the parents may have great impact on the child’s tender mind. So it is important to meet the teachers and let them tell you how the child is behaving in the school. If both the parents are still friendly with each other, then attending a parent teacher conference is a good thing to do. In most of the divorce situations, only one parent attends the conference and the other one remains uninformed.

Mostly, during a parent teacher conference, the divorcing parents tend to act in a hostile way, thus making the teacher uncomfortable. So the better option is to fix a phone conference with the teacher. Even if one parent is not attending the phone conference, then making notes of what the teacher tells and sending them to the other parent is only in the favor of the child.

By Erin Musquiz - Family law legal assistant for -- North Carolina Divorce Lawyers of Gailor, Wallis & Hunt, PLLC

A new version of the Nebraska Parenting Act signed into law in 2007 will create some additional requirements for parents undergoing a divorce starting in 2008. Beginning Jan. 1, parents who go through a divorce will be required to attend a basic-level parenting education class. The mandate is part of the new state law, LB554, which Gov. Dave Heineman signed during the summer.

The law emphasizes working toward the best interests of children, keeping children safe and recognizing the effects of domestic intimate partner abuse, child abuse or neglect. Most parts of the law go into effect in 2008, while some are delayed until 2010. While an earlier version of the Parenting Act allowed the courts to decide when a parenting class should be recommended, the court will now be required to refer parents to a state-approved course.

The change in the law is expected to have a significant impact on Hall County, where judges do not typically refer divorcing parents to the class, said Anne Buettner, a licensed mental health practitioner and marriage and family therapist who teaches the class for Hall and surrounding counties. The cost of the class is $40, which goes to the Central Mediation Center. Those who attend her class are primarily referrals from courts in other counties, Buettner said.

Hall County District Judge James Livingston was out of the office and unavailable for comment on the issue, while Hall County District Judge Teresa Luther declined to comment. One of the goals of the basic-level education class is to minimize the potentially negative impact of parental conflict on children, Buettner said. During the one-night, three-hour class, parents are given tools to help them adjust to their changing family situation and make decisions that are in the best interests of the child.

Course materials include information about the developmental stages of children, adjustments of children to parental separation, dispute resolution, domestic/intimate partner abuse and the legal process, among other topics. "It's not trying to legislate relationships," Buettner said. "This is all about the kids. "No doubt, it will make better adjustments for the children."

Participation in the class may be delayed or waived by the court if "good cause" is shown. Parents who don't attend the class, however, will not experience a delay in the entry of a final judgment on their case by more than six months and cannot be punished by incarceration, according to the law.

The court can also order parents to attend a second-level parenting education course if it determines evidence of child abuse or neglect, domestic intimate partner abuse or unresolved parental conflict. That course is not a requirement by law, however.

Children can be ordered to attend approved child-of-divorce education courses as well. Instructors and materials for the classes must be approved by the Nebraska Supreme Court for the class to satisfy the requirements of the law. Locally, the basic-level parenting classes will be offered in Grand Island, Kearney and McCook, while a Spanish-language course will be available in Lexington.

The second-level course will be available in Kearney as needed. Parents must also continue to submit parenting plans to the court, which generally includes an agreement between the two parties about parenting time and other arrangements. Those who can't agree on a parenting plan may be ordered by the court to participate in parenting plan mediation.

If they have not reached an agreement by July 1, 2010, however, the court will be required to order mediation. The new law should help families cope with the effects of divorce, spread awareness about violence and abuse and ensure the best interests of children are served, Buettner said. After all, she said, "You can't divorce your children."

When you had your child or children your life changed from being focused on yourself to suddenly having to consider how all your life choices would impact the kids. That is the way it should be. What is in the child's best interest should always be a parent's top priority especially when considering divorce. The first thing you should know is our adversarial legal system is not child focused or family friendly. The emotional and financial price you pay when you each hire separate divorce lawyers is higher than you can now imagine.

I was a special education teacher for years prior to becoming an attorney. My Masters is in Special Education, focusing on teaching severely emotionally disturbed children, so I came to the law with a powerful bias to act only in the best interest of the children. The 2nd important fact to know is how comfortable so many divorce lawyers are in spending their client's college fund instead of quickly and economically helping the couple to negotiate a fair deal. After 8 years of litigation and witnessing the total financial and emotional devastation of too many families I vowed to no longer take adversarial divorces and to do only divorce mediation. In the following 3 years, after working with over 150 couples with 100% success rate, I am convinced that divorce mediation should be the solution of first resort for 85% of the couples who are contemplating divorce. So the 3rd thing you need to know is there is an alternative to divorce court, mediation.

There is comfort in knowing what to expect when you already have answers to your basic questions. In the 8 community property states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin) property division is pretty clear. What ever was totally owned prior to marriage or received by gift or inheritance is separate property that goes to the spouse who owns it. If it was partially paid for using wages or income earned during the marriage, the "community" gains an interest in it that can be calculated. Division of property in community property states is one of the easiest issues to deal with because it is so clear cut. So what happens in the other 42 states? These states use an equitable distribution system to divide marital property. Each state has its own rules that can be ascertained prior to starting the divorce process. So there is some uncertainty in non community property states but an experienced lawyer/mediator generally knows what the court will do in most situations and can be a valuable guide to couples who are unfamiliar with the laws. The 4th thing to keep in mind is that there is no point in fighting over property division. You can protect your co-parenting relationship and end up with more property if you divide everything the way a neutral 3rd party (mediator) suggests.

In litigated divorce cases, child custody and visitation issues can be the most contentious and emotional. If the parents can agree to a custody arrangement, which they eventually do in 90% of custody cases, they can avoid court altogether. If a couple can just agree on custody and visitation issues, why would they set a case for trail and go through a nasty litigated case? Only 10% of custody cases are litigated. A couple could always seek the services of a child therapist to advise them instead of going to court. The courts typically apply a "best interest of the child" standard in determining who should get primary custody. Wouldn't the parents themselves be in the best position to decide how their children should be raised? Mediation allows the couple to remain in charge of their lives instead of being told what to do by lawyers and judges. When the couple has an intention to effectively co-parent by always keeping the best interest of the child foremost in their mind, they will produce a much more satisfying outcome than if a solution is imposed upon them from above. Child custody issues are the most inappropriate issues to be decided within an adversarial system. The win/lose game that is played in court always results in tension between the parents. Not only will this tension negatively affect the health and happiness of the parents but the children will be caught in the middle of a battle, ducking verbal and emotional bullets as they fly over their heads. The adversarial system does not protect the co-parenting relationship of parents and should be avoided if at all possible. An emotionally vulnerable client in the hands of a "zealous advocate" who is more concerned with enriching themselves than in helping their client is a dangerous combination. The last thing to keep in mind is that avoiding divorce attorneys and court should be the #1 priority if you want to protect your health, spirit, co-parenting relationship and pocketbook.

Ask most people what it is like to go through a divorce and chances are you will hear a litany of horror stories about high legal costs, unfair results in court and lawyers who don't care enough about their own clients to return phone calls. Splitting up a family and the assets that have been accumulated during a marriage is probably one of the most emotional transitions a person can go through. Being encouraged by legal counsel to litigate instead of being reasonable only exacerbates the bad feelings between a couple. Because of the high cost of legal assistance, it is more important than ever to make sure your lawyer has your best interests at heart and is not taking unnecessary steps so that they can profit by billing more hours to your account. If there are children involved it is crucial that the parents walk away from divorce court with the ability to co-parent, something that is hard to do after a long, bloody adversarial process. Finding a lawyer who takes pride in resolving a family law matter as quickly, inexpensively and with as little blood shed as possible is unusual.

Traditionally the process of getting a divorce has involved hiring lawyers, going to court and letting a judge or the lawyers decide and/or negotiate the outcome. The couple plays the most passive role in the legal drama. Because the decisions are coming from above instead of the couple themselves fashioning a result, it is often difficult for the couple to comfortably live with the final outcome. When the couple is more actively involved in creating the terms of their own divorce instead of having to put up with the "one size fits all" solution that the legal process gives them, there is a better fit and more of a commitment to make it work. Most people resent solutions that are imposed on them. It is natural that individuals are more satisfied when they get to decide for themselves instead of being told what to do.

The adversarial approach does not serve the co-parenting process nor is it economically efficient. The average divorce in California costs $20,000 each when both sides have attorneys. Of course the price will go up or down depending on how much the couple is encouraged to fight vs. being encouraged to be fair and settle. Divorcing couples can be extremely emotionally vulnerable and easily manipulated by legal counsel who can be more interested in racking up a huge bill instead of quickly, fairly and efficiently resolving the matter. While there are many ethical divorce lawyers who try their best to protect their clients, their orientation is still that of a "zealous advocate" which means they will do everything in their power to try to get their clients the best deal. This deal often costs more in legal fees than it is worth and usually results in making the couple so angry with each other it is impossible to co-parent.

Most people are unaware that family law attorneys are the ONLY kinds of lawyers in California whose fees are protected by the equity in their client's home. By law they have the right to run up enormous fees and then slap a lien on the family home and force a sale, often taking more of the sales proceeds then their clients get to keep. Instead of the children of the divorcing couple getting the benefit of the equity their parents have built, the lawyer's children are the ones who get to go to private school and the children of some divorcing couple will be lucky to have lunch money. It doesn't have to be this way.

Divorce Mediation is an alternative that allows you to keep control of your own life, money and children. Most divorcing couples have a lot to protect and this can best be done by working together. Co-operation saves more than just money. The best gift you can give your children is to be able to co-parent with your spouse. Instead of a divorce taking years of expensive fighting, divorce mediation only takes a day or two partial days. While it may sound impossible that a total solution can be crafted in a 4-7 hour period, I have done it so many times with so many different types of couples, I know it works.

The attorney who acts as mediator does not represent either party but acts as a neutral facilitator who is a resource for both. The couple can ask the attorney/mediator legal questions and receive help in arriving at all the terms of their divorce. The mediator drafts the marital settlement agreement, which is the document that is attached to the Judgment. The judge signs the agreement without the couple ever going to court and the divorce becomes final 6 months from the day the initial papers were filed and served. When the mediator has a powerful intention to complete the divorce process instead of dragging it out, the results are miraculous.

As someone who taught school for many years, has a Masters in Special Education and worked with extremely emotionally disturbed children, my primary interest is to help couples do what is in the best interest of their children. It is not in your child's best interest to spend all your money fighting with each other. It is not in their best interest to be caught in the cross fire of their parent's nasty court battle. I have a unique ability to help couples focus on what is really important and get off the positions that keep them from settling. I do what I call "Divorce In A Day" by working with the couple to find each side's bottom line, letting them know what the court would probably do, acting as a reality check if they have unreasonable expectations and constantly refocusing them on what is the most workable solution for their situation. I do all the paperwork associated with the divorce as well as helping the couple craft their own solution.

Divorce mediation works best with honest people who are not hiding assets and just want a result that is fair. Most couples who are in the initial stages of thinking about getting a divorce would do well to meet with a divorce mediator as opposed to hiring their own attorneys. You only get one chance at getting a divorce without acrimony. Once you start to go down that adversarial road, it is that much harder to get back to a place where you can function comfortably as co-parents.

Nothing could be worse than a divorce barring when you understand that you are divorcing your best friend. Not only are you losing your partner but you are losing the person who you confide in, do fun activities near and maintain known for most of your adult life. What do you do and how do you move on?

Principal, you must realize that it is over. The friendship as you knew it is gone. The matrimony, for whatever argument didn’t work out and the friendship is no longer likely. At minimum on the level of where it was prior to matrimony and divorce. Although, there is no reason why you can’t go on and still abide friends.

Many divorces end in friendships but you just have to understand where to pull the line so that the friendship doesn’t forbid one or both parties from going on into a productive romantic relation. Sometimes, both people can go on with understanding significant others who comprehend the odd relation of a continued friendship amid ex-spouses but sometimes they can not and will not consent to a position which involves outings with an ex.

While divorcing your best friend can be very hurting for each person, it is considerable to move on separately if at all conceivable. You can still do things collectively if you are decided to make a friendship work but recollect that this is going to be on a disagreement level and that other people will ultimately be a part of the friendship unit.

Discussing your divorce frankly and decisive together as a pair separation and as companions , how you would like to see the relation in various months and various years down the way can help prohibit pain feelings later on following the divorce.

Divorcing your partner should never be taken lightly. Anyhow, if you are divorcing a childhood friend where families have been lifetime friends, then you have many people to consider and relation to defend.

Matrimony counselors can often help you conclude the essential problems which you may not understand subsist in the marriage if you aren’t sure you want to divorce. In fact, before you throw away years in the making of a relation and a marriage, search counseling and suggestion from someone who can support you put things into angle. It may also help to converse to your families together if you believe your marriage can be saved. Usually, when you are dealing with a lifetime of history together, it is most grievous to discard a matrimony.

Remaining friends is probably unavoidable if there are family connections but both people in the matrimony must figure out a way to get past the collapse of the matrimony once other people become involved after the final divorce. Plotting forward will keep everybody involved happy and emotionally concocted for the hereafter. And you most surely don’t want to hurt the soul you must’ve dear the bulk of your lifetime.

Divorced parents of a child or those parents who are going through a divorce are generally unaware, or at least one of them, of their child’s performance in the class room. In that case, talking to the teacher of the child will enable the uninformed parent to have some of knowledge about the child’s presentation in the school.

We all know that a parent teacher meeting is a great way to know about the child’s performance in the school. It is this conference in which the teacher can tell the parents that how their child is doing in the school and if the child requires tuition or other kind of help at home. In the stressing phase of a divorce, most parents tend to ignore or neglect their child’s studies, or may turn over their responsibilities to the other parent. But a good thing to do is to keep aside the conflict with your partner, and remain involved with the child’s studies.

Inform the teacher as soon as you decide to divorce your partner, because splitting of the parents may have great impact on the child’s tender mind. So it is important to meet the teachers and let them tell you how the child is behaving in the school. If both the parents are still friendly with each other, then attending a parent teacher conference is a good thing to do. In most of the divorce situations, only one parent attends the conference and the other one remains uninformed.

Mostly, during a parent teacher conference, the divorcing parents tend to act in a hostile way, thus making the teacher uncomfortable. So the better option is to fix a phone conference with the teacher. Even if one parent is not attending the phone conference, then making notes of what the teacher tells and sending them to the other parent is only in the favor of the child.

By Erin Musquiz - Family law legal assistant for -- North Carolina Divorce Lawyers of Gailor, Wallis & Hunt, PLLC

This month I have been working with a wonderful group of parents who are all going through a divorce and one of their main worries was how to tell the children about what was going to happen and what to actually say to them.

Children naturally fear that they will lose one of their parents in a divorce or that their parents will abandon them. They also fear the changes and disruptions that a divorce will inevitably bring to their family and they often blame themselves.

One of the key things I ask parents to do is to sit down and to work out together the answer to this question:

What are the really important key messages you want to convey to your children?

I ask them to write on a piece of paper their child's name and to put it on the floor and as they step onto it imagine they are looking at the situation from the point of view and perception of their child.

Next I ask them to answer these questions through the eyes and ears of their child:

* What do you see and hear around you at the moment?

* How do you feel?

How could Dad and Mum make you feel better - what could they do or say?

I ask parents to draw a circle and put in 7 spokes like a wheel and to write in the wheel 7 reassurances and guarantees that they can honestly give to their children that will help their child cope with the enormous changes that are coming.

We work on how both parents can agree on what to say before they talk to the children. This helps to avoid mixed messages which confuse, upset and really distress children greatly.

We look at the benefits of telling the children together and we work on overcoming the "blame" mentality and the feeling that it must be someone's fault. We look at how to avoid the children feeling that they have to take sides.

We also look at taking the emotional charge out of telling the children and help each parent gain more control over their distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult moment.

It is certainly very worthwhile and positive to stop and step back from your current situation to gain clarity, direction and certainty in the decisions you are taking towards handling the difficult and painful area of divorce or separation more confidently.

A new version of the Nebraska Parenting Act signed into law in 2007 will create some additional requirements for parents undergoing a divorce starting in 2008. Beginning Jan. 1, parents who go through a divorce will be required to attend a basic-level parenting education class. The mandate is part of the new state law, LB554, which Gov. Dave Heineman signed during the summer.

The law emphasizes working toward the best interests of children, keeping children safe and recognizing the effects of domestic intimate partner abuse, child abuse or neglect. Most parts of the law go into effect in 2008, while some are delayed until 2010. While an earlier version of the Parenting Act allowed the courts to decide when a parenting class should be recommended, the court will now be required to refer parents to a state-approved course.

The change in the law is expected to have a significant impact on Hall County, where judges do not typically refer divorcing parents to the class, said Anne Buettner, a licensed mental health practitioner and marriage and family therapist who teaches the class for Hall and surrounding counties. The cost of the class is $40, which goes to the Central Mediation Center. Those who attend her class are primarily referrals from courts in other counties, Buettner said.

Hall County District Judge James Livingston was out of the office and unavailable for comment on the issue, while Hall County District Judge Teresa Luther declined to comment. One of the goals of the basic-level education class is to minimize the potentially negative impact of parental conflict on children, Buettner said. During the one-night, three-hour class, parents are given tools to help them adjust to their changing family situation and make decisions that are in the best interests of the child.

Course materials include information about the developmental stages of children, adjustments of children to parental separation, dispute resolution, domestic/intimate partner abuse and the legal process, among other topics. "It's not trying to legislate relationships," Buettner said. "This is all about the kids. "No doubt, it will make better adjustments for the children."

Participation in the class may be delayed or waived by the court if "good cause" is shown. Parents who don't attend the class, however, will not experience a delay in the entry of a final judgment on their case by more than six months and cannot be punished by incarceration, according to the law.

The court can also order parents to attend a second-level parenting education course if it determines evidence of child abuse or neglect, domestic intimate partner abuse or unresolved parental conflict. That course is not a requirement by law, however.

Children can be ordered to attend approved child-of-divorce education courses as well. Instructors and materials for the classes must be approved by the Nebraska Supreme Court for the class to satisfy the requirements of the law. Locally, the basic-level parenting classes will be offered in Grand Island, Kearney and McCook, while a Spanish-language course will be available in Lexington.

The second-level course will be available in Kearney as needed. Parents must also continue to submit parenting plans to the court, which generally includes an agreement between the two parties about parenting time and other arrangements. Those who can't agree on a parenting plan may be ordered by the court to participate in parenting plan mediation.

If they have not reached an agreement by July 1, 2010, however, the court will be required to order mediation. The new law should help families cope with the effects of divorce, spread awareness about violence and abuse and ensure the best interests of children are served, Buettner said. After all, she said, "You can't divorce your children."